30 May, 2006

I took the day off work today, so I had my meditation at 1:50 p.m. I started by getting into my new seating position(with three pillows not two!), and relaxed my body. I started to chant 'om' again, as it had a calming effect on me the night before. It worked again, the vibrations man!! I am in good form, although monkey-mind is prevelent. My concentration on my breath is patchy at best, and I am lost in thought for much of the 25 minutes meditating. At the end, I said my prayer and dedication, and had gratitude again for it.
I picked up a book on the shelf that I had wanted to read for quite a while. The Title is "Buddhism, An Introduction and Guide" by Donald Lopez Jr. I read through the life of Buddha, which I had read before from other other sources. It was different, in a way. It seemed to me that it mixed mythology with history, for example, when the Siddhartha Gautama was born, he came from under his mother's arm, lotus flowers blossomed beneath his feet, and he could walk and talk already. It's a nice story, but it suggests that Buddha was super-human somehow, which I think detracts from the ideal that Buddha was an ordinary man, like us, and attained Buddhahood, attainable by any other ordinary man. I take everything with a pinch of salt anyway, so it doesn't matter to me if the story is embellished. It makes a better read I suppose!
I read through the Non-Virtuous Deeds, there was one which concerned me a little, namely Senseless Speech. Ok, the statement in itself makes sense, you should think about what you say before saying it. But, as I read on, it included the following list of no-nos: Gossip, Bragging, Locquaciousness, Lamenting, Singing (there was more, but I forget). Why would singing be a non-virtuous deed?

29 May, 2006

It looks like a managed one good meditation before the month of may ends! I sat in my usual 'burmese' position, supported by two pillows and a cushion used for medititation. My mind seemed like it was going to cooperate with me tonight. There was a nagging ache in my knee from sitting the way I was, but I took my mind off it for a while and focused on my breath.

Then I decided to see what it would be like to chant 'om'. I don't know what it means, and I am not sure if you need to know for it to 'work'. I found that the vibrations of the sound had an instant calming effect on the body, and, when as I stopped chanting, I felt more still and more focused. It's probably my mind playing tricks on me though!

At this stage then, my legs had given up the ghost, and started to go dead. I decided to get another pillow from my girlfriend's bed, and placed it on top of the stack of pillows and cushion. Brilliant, a new seating position. It was much more comfortable than before, and I knew that it would allow me to meditate for a longer period of time. As my girlfriend would say, "All you needed was a new serving suggestion!".

I had drunk tea a half-hour before my meditation, so I was still quite alert. After I changed my seating arranagement, I became very still for a moment, and started to have a realisation anouy myself, and my dissatisfaction with it. I realised that whenever I try to become interested in something, it is not always for the right reasons. Like golf for example, I try to learn golf and play well, to please my father, and others, but not myself. I becomes a chore, and I never do it, because I don't take any pleasure in it. Almost everything in life is like this for me.

I look for things that I can be good at, so that I receive admiration and respect, so that I can respect myself again, and be happy. I realised that I don't have to impose this rule on myself to have respect and be happy.

After this, I had a feeling of 'welling up' and I felt gratitude and a release of pressure from within my mind. I enjoyed this feeling for a few moments, then I let it pass, remembering not to hold on to anything. I then said my prayer, and dedication and went to bed.

29 May 2006 10 a.m.

Back to work, with Monday morning blues! Ah well, another day another dollar.
Sat down to meditate on Saturday morning, it took me ten minutes to settle my body and mind into the meditation. It took me a long time to bring my mind onto my breath. My mind was consumed by thought, and that 'grey cloud' that was in my mind. When this happens, I usually start counting the in-breath to thirty, then the out-breath to thirty, to get me on track. I started feeling some distance between my chaotic mind. Thoughts now seemed to trickle, rather than flow, and there was more space in my mind. I felt more at ease.

Sunday, I started my meditation late, at 11 pm! I was tired, and this didn't help. Although I seemed to be able to settle my mind and body quickly. I had thoughts come, I followed them a little, aware, but ready to let them go.....and one thought is gone. The next one comes, I follow again, I let go....gone..trickling away. I fall asleep!!

And back to Monday morning!!

26 May 2006 8:35 a.m.

Decided to catch up on some much needed sleep last night, and had about 11 hours rest. I woke up this morning, showered and sat down on my bed. I propped myself up onto my cushion, and let my body relax. I focused on my breath.....

There feels like there is a huge white cloud between my thoughts and my consciousness....this sounds weird I know, it's not a visualisation as such, just a way of describing what this feels like. As I write this now, I can still sense this dense "cloud" within my mind. I think this might be ignorance! I think that's what it is. It's like a numbing effect on my intelligence. I feel like I need to dispel this cloud, I realise that it's been there before, but I haven't noticed it, and it usually passes after some meditation, but not always. I don't have time right now to meditate more, but I will update on Monday with my Saturday and Sunday Meditations.

25 May 2006, 9:09 a.m.

Back in work today, mental state was tentative at first, nervy. I consciously stopped what I was doing, and started breathing, focusing my mind on relaxing the body, and the mind followed. I talked a little to my still-drunk colleauge(who was supposed to be at the Ireland game last night, but got lost on the way to the stadium!). That lightened my mood a little.

I didn't have the time or energy to meditate last night, so I am looking forward to getting home tonight and practicing. I am going to light a candle, and sit in burmese posture for a while. Looking forward to it now!

24 May, 11:45 a.m. Shyness

Right, it's time to look at my current mind-state. My mind is tentative, there is not much fun going on. I am waiting and waiting on my house to be ready to move into, so I feel as if my life is on hold until that takes place. My mind is scattered with thoughts, some worried, many negative.
Right now what am I thinking about? I am smiling, but it is not a true expression of happiness. I am all over the place inside. Someone made a joke at work. I smiled, to fake it, when really I am apathetic towards them. I am so polite, and coy. What is it Morrisey sang about:

"Shyness is nice,
and Shyness can stop you
From doing all the things in life You'd like to"

Fear of eye contact, because I don't know what to say, there is always a gap there where I should contribute my thoughts, jokes or any other interactivity that I can. But, I don't, I just look at the person, and say something dull.

How do you overcome shyness, and being a pushover, without turning into a total prick?
Answers on a postcard please.