29 May, 2006

It looks like a managed one good meditation before the month of may ends! I sat in my usual 'burmese' position, supported by two pillows and a cushion used for medititation. My mind seemed like it was going to cooperate with me tonight. There was a nagging ache in my knee from sitting the way I was, but I took my mind off it for a while and focused on my breath.

Then I decided to see what it would be like to chant 'om'. I don't know what it means, and I am not sure if you need to know for it to 'work'. I found that the vibrations of the sound had an instant calming effect on the body, and, when as I stopped chanting, I felt more still and more focused. It's probably my mind playing tricks on me though!

At this stage then, my legs had given up the ghost, and started to go dead. I decided to get another pillow from my girlfriend's bed, and placed it on top of the stack of pillows and cushion. Brilliant, a new seating position. It was much more comfortable than before, and I knew that it would allow me to meditate for a longer period of time. As my girlfriend would say, "All you needed was a new serving suggestion!".

I had drunk tea a half-hour before my meditation, so I was still quite alert. After I changed my seating arranagement, I became very still for a moment, and started to have a realisation anouy myself, and my dissatisfaction with it. I realised that whenever I try to become interested in something, it is not always for the right reasons. Like golf for example, I try to learn golf and play well, to please my father, and others, but not myself. I becomes a chore, and I never do it, because I don't take any pleasure in it. Almost everything in life is like this for me.

I look for things that I can be good at, so that I receive admiration and respect, so that I can respect myself again, and be happy. I realised that I don't have to impose this rule on myself to have respect and be happy.

After this, I had a feeling of 'welling up' and I felt gratitude and a release of pressure from within my mind. I enjoyed this feeling for a few moments, then I let it pass, remembering not to hold on to anything. I then said my prayer, and dedication and went to bed.